Huh?

Omg – it has been much too long for nothing to have happened.  But – I got busy and then my computer died.  Mom ordered a new one, which just came in, so now I’m back on my original macbook which I had given her. Hopefully it won’t die or erase my entry before I finish (it’s probably close to 10 years old & just now acting up).

Today I’m in a funk. I think it’s hormones as it is “that time of month” – menstruation is the dumbest thing on earth!  It’s bad enough that we bleed for a week – but out of our vagina? I mean, it’s just blood, but coming out of that orifice just makes it gross.  No one would think twice if we had a bloody nose, or cut leg or bleeding from one’s ear or coughing up blood – but from the vagina?  for a week?  Really God? Could you not have had a better plan than that?  Considering every female on earth does it and every man is aware of it – why does it still seem so disgusting after a bajillion years of it happening?

However, that is not what spurred me to write – well, maybe it was because I’m “hormonal” – I’ve been crying so much that I thought I missed a couple doses of meds – but I’m pretty sure I haven’t.  I was doubly sure to take them today & I was still weepy.  I HATE being lonely or desperate for affection.  That’s not who I am.  I suppose even I need that sometimes.  But, why do I have to be so needy when it happens?  UGH! I had to go meet w/ one of the contractors that has done some work at the house.  I’ve been a bit put out with his work & his work schedule.  So, I told him off as nicely as I could.  I did apologize up front that I was in a rotten mood & it may come out bitchier than I intended, but I need my work completed in a timely manner, so I thought it best he fix what he was hired to do & I would reevaluate the other jobs.  He wasn’t too happy about it when he left.

Today I’m needy & weepy & lonely. I just want to snuggle with someone on the couch and watch a movie.  I love my mom, but hate living with her (sorry mom).  Grown children should not live with their parents.  This is not my home any more. I don’t belong here. I need my own space without 4 dogs and cigars and 2200 square feet, and FOX news on 24/7 with a CD blaring and videos on the computer all at the same time.  I need my OWN chaos and mess and dust.

Last night was bad. I couldn’t turn my brain off.  Just thousands of thoughts running in circles. I can’t say I was missing Rontheasshole, but I was missing having a best friend beside me.  But, I don’t want to be married again & have to be thoughtful & considerate 24/7/365/forever.  I don’t know what the F I want.

See – pathetic. I HATE when I get like this.  Enough whining. I think I’ll go eat worms….