I don’t even know where to start.  It’s been over a month. I’ve been working on remodeling the house. Juggling guys. Spending money. Starting therapy. I feel like I want to do, go, read, do lots of stuff while waste deep in mud – getting nowhere fast.

I’ve been reading about dating with boundaries, surviving a narcissist, PTSD, anxiety – lots of internal examination stuff.  Through the course of events over the past few days I had an epiphany: I do not like to make other people mad – I walk on egg-shells around EVERYONE. My mother curls my stomach at almost every encounter.  It’s not that I don’t love her, but I immediately become anxious because I know she will criticize me, not like/agree with much of anything I do or say, complain about something.  She has accused me of “anger management” issues.  Maybe she’s right.  The men in my life, I do the same thing.  I don’t trust them not to get angry about – whatever, change of plans, difference of opinion, anything they may not like – so I don’t tell them, tip-toe around a topic, etc.

I met with my new therapist the other day.  We’ve not even really started therapy. I meet with her again next week to formulate a treatment plan.  Already I’m having insights into me.  I think my fear of angering others (men, mom, etc) is because I was taught throughout my life via experience and observation, that anger = abandonment. I learned that when someone gets angry at another person, they end that relationship, there is no reconciliation, no discussion, no admission of responsibility – it’s just over. Done. Gone.  BUT – it is not how I define it on my end. I can get angry and get over it.  Anger is just an emotion like joy & peace & love – it comes & goes.  Yet, I don’t think that other people related to anger that way because that’s not what I was taught. I am easily manipulated by others in an attempt to avoid their anger.  That is so screwed up!

But, I’m not that way with my girlfriends.  Am I? May need to look into that, too. 

So, I have somewhere/something that has come to light that definitely needs to be reprogrammed in my head and heart.

That’s all I’ve got at the moment. Maybe once I get settled in I’ll write more & more often.


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