And the Heart Keeps Pumping

This week has been a bit difficult.  I’m not sure why.  In 3 days, it will be 10 months since my mom died. It still totally sucks.  With all my introspection and personal requirements to examine my thoughts, feelings and emotions (are those the same?) – I have sort of figured it out.

My “mother emotions” are held in a tight fisted grip in my stomach.  if I loosen that grip and think about my mom, I still cry. So, when I feel that coming on, I just adjust my grip and close things down again.  Oh, yah, blah, blah, blah, I know all about how “good” crying is and feeling the emotions – but who wants to? Those feelings suck!  I suppose I hope the sadness is like sand – it will just ease through my fingers a little bit at a time and eventually, I will look and it will be gone.

With as much as I have had to work through, various things I was or was not taught as a child, as much as I complained about her, how ever many buttons she pushed – she was a good mom. I know she loved me and I loved her.  I am definitely not over her death. It totally sucks.  Still.

She was funny and gracious and the best host ever.  I didn’t realize what an introvert she truly was.  She was smart and polite.  Like with any true love, I chose to look at the best of her and accept the worst. She knew me before I knew her and she loved me with all she had, as best she could.  We never went without.  We usually got what we wanted.  She taught me to want the right things.

I have made lots of new friends through my job.  That has been a blessing.  They keep me laughing and preoccupied.  They have helped make Stone Mountain home again.

Good or bad, happy or sad….the heart keeps pumping.