Goodbye 2016

Ah, dear reader – you are still here despite my lack of writing.

As 2017 approaches, I find myself in a different state of mind. 90% of the time (if you look back at my other New Year posts) I often find myself looking to the new year with despair: what horrid thing will happen this year?  Who will die? What tragedies will we face?

But this time, I’m almost looking to 2017 with hope.  I knew 2012 would suck because of my divorce – which got drug into 2013.  All those years, including 2014 was weighed down with the thought “Will my mom die this year?” (which happened at the end of 2014.) 2015 began with a new job and a new outlook, only to quickly be smothered by more abusive people being introduced into my world, world smashing grief, and a good dose of depression.  Some of these years I did look to with a semblance of hope, as I kept thinking “it can’t get any worse…..”  It didn’t necessarily get worse, it just got different.

Maybe I’m just growing healthier, as my outlook becomes more hopeful. 2017 a 5th year, time for a change in direction.  I find myself with another new job on the horizon, a man by my side, and a bit of energy and motivation to close my mom’s estate; even though my brother is as abusive as ever, my dad quit speaking to me and my mom is still dead.

 

Time for a New Season

Today’s message in church was one of renewal & refreshing for this year.  I got to thinking about the “recent” past.

I got married in 2001.  Good thing, right? Well, we know research has shown it takes 18 months to adjust to a major life change.  That year I have several “major life” changes:  I got married, I moved 200 miles knowing no one, I quit my old & got a new job.  So, should that take …. hold on, gotta get the calculator app to open…  54 (or 72 depending if you count quitting & getting jobs separately) months to adjust.  That would be 4 or 6 years just to adjust to those changes.  Then consider that the man I married was a Narcissist.

So – potentially, the season of despair began then…. slowly, subtly, & quietly the stress began, only to grow.

2004 began with the murder of two police officers in our community.  One of them had grown up with my husband.  It was this funeral that got me back in church.  I fell in love with the Spirit in that church.  I went on an Emmaus Walk retreat that year, as did my husband.  Things were looking up.  God and I were buddies again, I was making friends.  The timing seemed right – it was roughly 18 months after we were married.

2005 My eldest step-daughter had a life threatening situation, losing her small bowel.  I changed jobs, went to 3rd shift.  Add to the stress plate.

2006 That same step-daughter had 6 organs transplanted.  This included her traveling back and forth to Miami where her medical team was.  The husband was back and forth a zillion times.  She had a long hospital stay.  I picked up covering the husband’s extra jobs (there were 3).

During all this time, work was becoming more difficult, the emotional abuse increased, my daughter was suffering from teen-age angst, and my other step daughter was dealing with her congenital kidney disease (renal tubular acidosis) which inevitably put her in ICU once a year because she didn’t take care of herself.  The eldest step-daughter came to live with us post-transplant, chronic illness, back and forth to Miami. Pets came in and died.  At least 6 of them.  Life.

2008 My mom’s lung cancer was discovered.  I spent 3 weeks in Atlanta taking care of her after her surgery.

Somewhere around this time my depression became clinically bad. I finally put my pride on a shelf and got professional help. By seeking professional help, I opened myself up to even more abuse from the husband.  He retired and started another career in the pits of hell, finding a fat little demon to share his bed.

2011 August – we celebrated our 10th  wedding anniversary, took an FOP trip to Salt Lake City that we wrangled into an anniversary trip, and over dinner he told me about all my faults, problems and failures as I cried quietly.  September he told me wanted to get divorced.  I was devastated.  I cried for months.

2012 I quit my job and moved to the Georgia coast, in with family.

2013 I got divorced.

2014 Ended in the Grand Finale Weekend with the death of my dog followed less than 24 hours with the death of my mother.  Mother Fucker.  That’s pretty much how I felt.  4 days before Christmas.

2004 – I got back with God.  Was He testing me? Was I a new version of Job?I decided to get back with Him. Was He testing my loyalty and devotion? Did He want to see if I’d actually hang with Him with the going got tough? Or had He given me a doorway to walk through knowing He would help me deal with the Narcissist and everything that Life would throw at me?

Whatever the reasons, 10 years of abuse, depression, and death are enough.  I think it’s a nice round number to leave behind.

Better people than I have stated that 2015 will be a better year.  A year of new beginnings.  A year of health and wealth. I claim that!  I just hope I get laid.

Previous Older Entries

Escaping Domestic Violence: The Road Less Traveled

By: Jennifer Alyssa Sheerer (Hanson)

A GIRL AND HER BATS

a girl's journey into the love of bats

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

Words From a Work In Progress

Sharing lessons learned on this journey called Life

After Narcissistic Abuse

There is Light, Life & Love

Love—Life—OM

Support for survivors of domestic violence, rape and fraud