Is Today Over Yet?


My life has been waiting for today to be over.  For the past 5 years.

I was thinking about this on my way home tonight.  It was September 2011 when Daddy BooBoo sent the email. 5 freakin’ years (plus  the few years before that as it all started going down hill).  For 5 years, I keep waiting for today to be over, so time will pass and I will heal; getting on with life again.

I was doing pretty good with the divorce.  Moved back to Stone Mountain, had an income (thank you Lord & DBB), worked on the house, found a nice church.  I was doing OK.  Then my mom died.  Ho-ly Shit.  I had no idea what I was in for.  I grew up with death.  Someone has always been dying in my life: people at school, friends, grand parents.  My first memories are of my brother’s death.  Death doesn’t scare me.  It’s the only guarantee we get in life.  I knew my mother was dying.  She knew she was dying.  We made the most of the time we had left together. There are no regrets with that tumultuous relationship. She drove me nuts.  She was she and I was me.  It worked.  It worked even better once I grew up and learned about healthy boundaries.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it to anyone who will listen.  There is a weird energy between mother and daughter.  I don’t know if it is the same with all the children.  I don’t know if it is the same between fathers & their children.  But the mother’s life gave us life from the moment we were a fertilized egg. There is an energy bond between the two.  Something that you never knew was there because it has always been there; a part of your existence. Like your intestines – always there; but when it isn’t, the shit hits the fan! (sorry, I couldn’t resist). Really, when the mother dies, that energy is gone and you’re left there, standing alone, not knowing what the hell just happened.  You know the mom is dead. Ok, that sucks; grief, tears, anger – whatever. But your existence as you knew it has changed.

Which makes me wonder if that is why moms are so devastated when the child dies. Obviously it is a violation of nature, but again; that energy connection has been broken.

Am I as all over the page as I seem? That is how my life is.  When this day is over, maybe tomorrow will be better.

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