TMI: You’ve Been Warned!

I joined a group on Facebook about menstrual cups.  I’ve read about them. I’ve tried the disposable ones with success.  I’ve read the posts by other uses.  One of the things a person should do is know how high/low one’s cervix is during menstruation.  So, I’ve been eagerly awaiting for my period to start.  Lacking patience, I bought my first menstrual cup.

Do you know how many cups are on the market?  Good lord! Long ones, short ones, skinny ones, round ones, fat ones, collapsable ones.  Not totally knowing where to start, I got a Diva size 2. I figured, “Hey, Diva only has 2 sizes, I can’t go wrong”. Size 1 is for women under the age of 30 without having had children. It’s been sitting in my drawer since I got it – eagerly awaiting (for once in my life, well, except that time I thought I was pregnant – that one took 9 months to show up!) for my period to start. I thought, “I’ll be cool, I won’t post a pic of my newly arrived cup because I’m not an effervescent personality type.” After a couple of weeks (and no, unless God thinks more of me than I do, I am NOT pregnant this time) and no blood, reading all the “thank goodness I tried it first before I was bleeding” posts, I thought, “Hey, I might as well stick it in there and see.”

Menstrual Cup Experience, Take 1; Scene 1:

I’m usually quite successful at what I do, so I didn’t figure anything would go wrong. Hmmm, maybe I was a little over confident. A bit of lube on the cup, my hands, forearms, toilet it was slip and slide all the way. The “C” fold wouldn’t unfold for me – that much I could tell. So I pulled it out & tried the “punch down fold” – oh, wow, much easier to put it. So much easier I’ve not seen my cup since. I think my vagina has depth similarities to the Mariana Trench. I’m not a panicking type (I’m a cop – can’t panic!). I ran my finger around it, but I can’t tell if it’s open, as I can maybe, barely, kinda feel the bottom with the tip of my finger – and my fingernail doesn’t tell me much. I hopped in the shower & figured I’d try to get it out in there. No luck. I can almost barely feel the end of the stem. Although I can’t feel it, I know it’s in there. Kinda’ like my spleen – it’s up there somewhere. I lifted a leg, I squatted, I even did some weird contortion that I’ve not been able to do since I was 8. I bore down and my super strong pelvic floor almost cut my finger off (no wonder penises love it!). So, I headed off to work with my cup somewhere in there. I figured if I can leave it in for up to 12 hours when I am bleeding, a few hours when I’m not bleeding will be fine, too. I know where all the private restrooms are in my zone because when I pee, I have to take off my gunbelt & make sure someone can’t steal it. So, I’ll keep trying. Worst case scenario, I walk into my OBGYN I’ve not seen in 16 years (I moved out of town, I’m not derelict in my health) and say, “Hey, I have a cup in my vagina” and when the receptionist asks, I’ll tell her it’s a shot glass for vampires.

MC experience, Take 1; Scene 2:

I decided not to try to take it out at the gas station. I could see me having to explain it a citizen it is an ASP cover (expandable metal baton). So I waited until I got back to the precinct where the bathroom is a one seater and I wouldn’t have to walk to the sink with vagina slime all over me in front of unsuspecting folks.

I wonder though, if I can’t even put my boots on with my Kevlar vest on, why on earth would I be able to grab a sneaky silicone cup way up in my vagina? Sigh. Will try again after shift.

On the front of my vest, under my uniform shirt, I have written my blood type and “NKDA” (no known drug allergies). Maybe I should add “check for menstrual cup”. 😂😂😂

So now I’m mad at the whole MC group!  They failed to mention one should be a thin yoga guru for this experience.

MC Experience, Scene 87:

Yup, still in there. I got home, got my uniform off. Started the sink water so it’d be nice and warm when I got my cup out & needed a wash. Squat, bend, roll over – I ended up on my back, legs flailed to the heavens, stark naked – when my dog wants to walk in. I fend her off with threats of beastiality and make her leave the bathroom. I think the lube multiplied in there. I could feel the stem. Sometimes I could grab it, but it ain’t moving! A couple times I could almost grab the bottom of the cup – slip – off it went.

So, things I’ve learned thus far: Cups may not be the best option for fat, stiff, old cops; I still have a few more hours before the magic “12” arrives; I should take up yoga; there is no way I would ever leak because that suction is G.O.O.D.!


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. anoushkawrites
    Mar 08, 2016 @ 01:19:00

    I really needed to read this, y’know. Well, I am facing a problem from last few months. My menstruation is taking place alternatively. I mean, if it happens on October, no periods in November. I am really tensed about it.

    Mum says because of tension and low b.p. I am having this problem. Tension as in for exams.

    Can you help ?

    • mojo911
      Mar 12, 2016 @ 23:37:19

      Definitely don’t stress! Our body reacts to stress I have never been regular. The closest I’ve come to being regular is about every 6 weeks. Sometimes it was 4 weeks, sometimes it was months. All our bodies are different. I never worried because I was not sexually active when I was young and about the time I might have had a pregnancy scare, I would start. But actually, other than the time I was pregnant I don’t remember thinking I might be. If that’s what your body does, then that’s what it does. Go see a doctor to make sure there isn’t anything wrong, but it might just be your body. It’s ok.

  2. Michael Linnhoff
    Mar 12, 2016 @ 21:20:04

    Try kitchen tongs!

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