What Dreams May Come

Yesterday was a crappy day.  The day itself was beautiful.  Fabulous, gorgeous, clear, warm, lovely spring day.  Inside my body was utter turmoil.  It started pretty good, too.

I am in the process of trying to get my brother out of my mother’s house.  Since he has locked me out, I’ve not even attempted to set foot in there. I don’t want to fight with him, but he is making me – because that’s all he knows.  I have no patience with him and I’m not too nice to him.  I realize this. However, he takes everyone for granted, has an entitlement attitude and always expects more with nothing in return.  People like this I do not allow in my life. He is forced into mine and I resent this with ever fiber of my being.  I don’t have the energy to fight right now.  I’ve been fighting for the past 5 years.  You’d think I’d be used to it – but I’m beginning to understand myself as an empath and why I get so bogged down.  Fighting, discord, confrontation – all of those are oppressive  and depressive to my body and soul.  Weird that I’m in my profession, huh?

Well, I didn’t open this window to blah blah blah about my poor sad soul crying for my dead mom at any inopportune moment.  I wanted to tell you about the weirdest dream I had this morning.  I had a very hard time going to sleep last night (and the past few, now that I think about it).  Between my body aches from my attempt at exercise the other day (What was I thinking?), heart aches and tears for my dead mom (kinda’ bad yesterday), and my evening girlfriend facebook chat ding-dinging, sleep was elusive for a bit.  When it did come, it was light – everything was waking me up: rain, pigs, rain, body aches.  Just an Alexander kind of night.  HOWEVER! somewhere in the wee morning hours I did fall asleep and had a dream.

Typical dream, there are weird details that I noticed in the dream that made perfect sense, but I don’t recall too clearly now and what I think I can piece together doesn’t make sense at all. But I remember the meat of the dream:  I was on a bus and was talking with another woman who had found out her husband was cheating on her.  I don’t remember if this was the first time, or if he was a chronic cheater, but she had reached the end of her rope and wanted a divorce.  I told her, “Don’t worry, God will protect you. He protected me down to the very end better than I could imagine.”

I don’t know if I was talking to myself about this estate situation, or if I was visiting someone else in their dream.  I don’t have the peace and comfort that I had in the middle of my divorce.  I don’t have the bolstering of spirit to stand up and fight.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe I’ve not prayed enough about it. Maybe I’m holding on to the insecurities about what I should do.  What I think is I’ve not had an opportunity to truly grieve and let my mom go.  It’s been “do this, do that, handle this, handle that” since she’s died and my grief just sort of squirts out on days (like yesterday) when I can’t hold it in any more.  I wonder what it means to truly grieve.  I’ve known a lot of people who have died. I’ve been sad because of death before.  But this is the worst yet and as prepared as I thought I was, perhaps I didn’t know what I was getting into. I feel very lost.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Mar 19, 2015 @ 12:11:54

    well I am at a loss for words. Unfortunately you let PJ in there and now I am sure you realize what a mistake that was. Because he was named in the will it is a problem. You are in charge of what your mother wanted, so my advice would be to take action on the will. I am sure you are going to need an estate attorney for advice on how to get him out of there. Also is the mortgage being paid on the house, if not it will get foreclosed on, then he will get evicted. Have you talked to your dad and can he do anything to get PJ out of there? I am sorry you are going through this.

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