Alexander Days


I’ve heard so much about grief.  How it behaves.  The stages. The individuality.

It doesn’t matter what is said.  I thought I knew grief.  Such a silly girl.  Today is another “Alexander” day.  If you’ve read some of my other posts, you know what I mean by that.  Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst has been a comfort to me the past few years.  I know how Alexander feels.  I have had several terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.  Today is one of them; ergo an “Alexander” day.

I think because I love my brother so much, he makes me hurt so hard. I don’t know why. Perhaps it is the grief that does not allow me to handle his behavior. Maybe because my mother was my ally with not tolerating him. Maybe it’s because we are so dysfunctional that it brings everything to the surface.  But my mother’s death forces me to deal with him.  I would be totally, completely, utterly relieved to never, ever see him again unless he was clean and sober.  And when I say “clean and sober” I mean by several years.

I try not to talk to my dad about it.  First of all, my mother’s estate is none of his business.  Secondly, I KNOW he will defend my brother.  My dad is much more liberal than I am.  I do not tolerate other’s bullshit as well as my father does.  Or maybe it’s because my father has removed himself (geographically) for years that he’s not been exposed recently.  I know my dad loves us both and he has a very good heart.  Much better than mine or my mother’s.  Perhaps that where my brother gets it from.

Meanwhile, I don’t feel like I can grieve.  I have to keep my shit together so I can handle this estate stuff – but I just don’t care.  I mean I do, but today is an Alexander day, so right now I don’t. And the dog is nipping at my heels to get shit done.  I had grand plans of doing stuff today for it, but I can’t. I’ve not even eaten (and if you know me, that NEVER happens!). I feel like I just want to throw up and my insides are frayed pieces of pokey rope.

Welcome to my fucked up head.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. teeroy2
    Mar 09, 2015 @ 04:40:11

    Pull this one down later and look at it again. Lots of truth here. More than what’s printed. Good work, though.

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