“Overcranking” is a term used for shooting video  at a ridiculously fast pace so that, when replayed at normal speed, motion slows down.  Like when you see a bullet go through a target in slow motion, or lightening strikes where you can watch the path of the lightening, or my life currently.  At least it feels that way.

I feel overwhelmed with what needs to be done – the to-do list is looming. I feel that there is so much to do that I’m pin-balling around everywhere at an overcranked speed to the point that life has slowed down and I’m getting nothing done.  I don’t know if I’m explaining this adequately to convey the feeling.

I told my therapist I think my depression is getting worse.  She told me she thinks I’m still grieving and starting a new job.  I tried to tell her that all these responsibilities of the estate and chores at my house are looming.  She said, let them sit there – they’ll be there when you’re ready.  I said I’m ready for them to be gone.  What I didn’t say, but she knew, was that I’m not able to get them gone.

Her advice to me? Be nice to me.  Be patient with me.  I’ve had more HUGE, life-changing changes in the past month.  I said I don’t have time for that.  She said yes you do – you have all the time in the world,  time is all you have, let yourself heal.  OMG – I’m tired of healing.  I spent 3 years healing after Daddy BooBoo.  FUCK ME!

Well, faithful reader – it’s time for me to get ready for work.  I am very thankful I have a 7 minute commute. Pray for me!


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Feb 04, 2015 @ 15:46:44

    I’m afraid I have to agree with your therapist. I know it’s not what you want to hear. My magic wand is still at the shop- not that it ever worked very well in the first place. It’s easy to want to find the fast forward button and zip through all of this messy stuff, and I hate that you’re going through it. You know, even if you have to dig deep, that logically your therapist is right. Grieving is a marathon, not a sprint. You have a wonderful support system who all love you very much. It’s not easy asking for help, but you know we will all pitch in when you need us. Things will click into place, slowly but surely. Time. Just give it time. And breathe.

    • mojo911
      Feb 05, 2015 @ 00:36:28

      I think I hit the nail on the head when I said, “I’m tired of healing”. I know, I know – I can’t speed it up or change it. But I was nice to myself during/after the divorce. I gave me time to hurt and feel and whine and cry and heal. I”m over it! UGH! I don’t want to heal any more. I don’t want any more injuries right now. I want to be OK. I miss my little doggie. I miss my mom. I am tired of being sore. sigh.

  2. sheree robinson
    Feb 04, 2015 @ 20:05:32

    Once again I am awed at how well you know yourself. Most people would just act or not act based on how they feel without knowing why. I believe you to be one of the wisest people I know and truly believe what you are and have gone through will help you and others now and in the future. You are prayed for my friend.

    But just now as I said a quick prayer for you after reading this I was reminded of a story from my life so if you will forgive me as I share something that might relate to what you have written (but maybe not). After my husband died people would ask me how I was and I would say I’m fine and I really was fine. But as time went by I felt something that I call “a lessening of strength of people praying for me.” When I thought I was doing well I had thought it because of how strong I was but God revealed to me it was really many people praying for me that allowed had me to be fine.

    I didn’t get mad that people were praying less or with less intensity but rather I took steps to learn how to pray. I started with the ACTS model and went to a prayer meeting where I joined great prayer warriors and held their hands and felt the power that flowed. “If you want to learn how to pray get with people who pray” per Dr. Allan Weatherly at Asbury UMC.

    I started really studying the Bible and then felt prompted to take Disciple Bible Studies and to go on an Emmaus Walk. I got books that listed scriptures to pray for different topics and now I believe I pray quicker about things with God’s help. When I pray now I wait on God (the Holy Spirit) to tell me what to pray and often I believe His Word is revealed to me in the memory of a certain Bible verse/ story/ memory/ etc (Rom 8: 26-27)….

    Prior to the loss of my husband and being prayed for by people and me feeling the prayers stopping I had been a good believer but hadn’t done to much with it. In one class I took we were asked to list answered prayers and when we felt God speak to us; I had only 2 prior to Ray’s death and many many more afterwards.

    Anyway, my point is not that you need to do what I did but rather that I do truly believe God can use what has happened to make you better and bring glory to Him. (Rom 8:28). Much love to you my friend

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