Paradigm Shift

I don’t know when it happened.  Or why it happened.  But I think it’s a good thing?

I started a new job last week.  I’m still “online dating”.  I’m meeting new people all the time.  All of  a sudden, I genuinely, honestly, whole heartedly do not give a rat’s ass what they think about me.  Oh, I’ve said that before and I’ve lived my own life doing what I want – but underneath it all, I wanted people to like me.  I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to make friends.

Whenever I have started a new job, I’ve walked in wanting people to like me. I had this huge desire to be liked.  Let’s all be friends.  I would scope out people I could be friends with, bridges I could mend, kumbyah shit.  This time, I walked in with donuts (I do still bring a bribe on the first day), but it was more just to be nice and friendly.  Not an effort to be desired.  I’ve looked at all of them and don’t care one lick of bit if we’re friends outside of work.  I don’t have this overwhelming urge to share all my intimate secrets in order to pull them into my heart.  This is sooooooo weird for me. I always tell everyone everything all the time.

Here is my theory on this:  My mom is dead.  My need and desire for love and acceptance is gone.  Please understand this: I LOVE my mom. She was an amazing mom who did the best she could with what she had to work with.  As an adult (in therapy) I have learned to understand my mom better, the good, the bad and the ugly.  One of her traits that I could never live up to was perfectionism.  She had a very high standard and expectation of people in every facet of life.  I tried to live up to that standard, failing miserably every time.  Yes, she was critical.  I know now that her criticism was an effort to teach us.  That is not how it was received.  Her criticism of me was a burden I bore in silence.  Maybe if I’d talked w/ her about it, naw…. I know her. I love her and I miss her, but that is who she was.

I am not trying to bash her – but I have never shared my struggles with my mom on this blog because I know it would hurt her feelings and I did not ever want to hurt her. I did it all the time unintentionally.

I am learning that, as people, we do the best we can with what we have to work with.  What we have to work with are tools that we’ve gathered over the course of our life.  Usually, we have collected them through our own experiences.  Which is why I’m in therapy – I need more tools.  Therapist and counselors are like an ACE Hardware.  They have the tools that will make our life much easier.  They have tools we didn’t know we were missing.  For example – I need to dig a hole.  I have a trowel.  I start digging.  My friend who loves me comes by and says, “Hey, I have a shovel you can use”.   Wonderful. Now I think this job is easier.  When another friend of mine sees me digging and says, “I have a post-hole digger you can use, it’ll make that job much easier!”  Wow!  This is easier!  So, I’m digging, digging, digging – exerting effort, thinking this is so much better than my trowel.  Now my therapist comes by and says, “Girl! You’re putting too much effort into this.  Use this power auger.”  HOLY CRAP!!!! I’ve been digging by hand all this time when there is a power tool out there?!?!?!  How did I not know about the power auger?  Because, neither I nor my friends have ever had to dig so many holes.  Any professional hole-digger knows about using an auger.

The death of my mom severed an energy source.  I didn’t know it was there because it was there my entire life.  When the umbilical cord between mother and child is cut – it is only a physical cut.  When the mom dies, the energy source is cut.  In an effort to please my mom, I have sought to please others.  I no longer have to please her.  My world view has shifted.  I did not know what was there until it was gone.  I did not see the view until it changed.

It is not good or bad. it just is, and that is fine.


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