Meet the Butcher

Wow – 

The dating sites have been picking up.  I’m not sure why.  I’d think it was maybe a desperate desire to have someone to gift at Christmas, but men don’t a.) plan that far ahead and b.) hate buying for girls.

So, I’ve been chatting w/ a few guys.  Tommy, Jamar & David.  Maybe I changed their names, maybe I didn’t.  The normal course of conversation for is do a few emails on the site, then someone asks to take it off the site & go personal.  I make the guy ask.  Then usually it’s texting, then talking, then a casual meet somewhere in public, then a few dates….and we’re off and running down the isle. No, wait…….ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!  They’re killing me!!!!

Jamar is a fine piece of chocolate pie in a pretty gorgeous pie pan.  Cut milk chocolate with a pearly white smile – mmmm, I could just eat him up.  He’s young, too! Hubba hubba! 13 years my junior to be exact!  ROWR!!! He’s educated, speaks english (do you know how rare that is these days? Among anyone!).  So we sent some texts back and forth.  He calls me the first night – I’m talking to Tommy on the phone for ages, so I couldn’t take his calls. I sent him a note on the site that I was on the phone.  Two days later I’ve not heard a word, so I dropped him a note on the site & said I wasn’t blowing him off, I was just on the phone for ages.  Ok, so we text a few more times.  Then he tells me he doesn’t have a drivers license.  It’s been suspended for traffic violations & he’s working on getting it back.  He asked me if it “deterred” me. I said it wasn’t ideal & put a damper on travel (was he wanting me to pick him up? Uh, no). I couldn’t be too judgmental, as I’ve had my license suspended (albeit, I was 21 when it happened, but men mature slower – supposedly). Then the next day he sent me a morning text & I asked him how his day was going & he said it’d be better if I sent him a pic.  Huh? I have half-a-dozen on line, they’re all current.  No, I’m not sending you a tit shot.  So I didn’t reply. 6 or 8 hours later he says, “I guess asking for a face pic was too much”.  First of all, you DIDN’T ask for a “face pic” you asked for a “pic”, secondly (as I responded) there are several current face pics online, and third, you guess right.  Goodbye my little sip of chocolate….sigh…

Tommy.  I’m a little leery of an adult male who still goes by the name “Tommy”  (Apologies to my pastor, Tommy, it’s just how it is).  He calls me to chat – and chat he does….wow.  My mother has always told me that there is something hinky about men who talk too much.  Now Tommy’s talk doesn’t come across as arrogant and impression seeking, it seems more nervous, trying to make small talk and share about himself.  But I can’t get a word in edgewise.  And if you know me, I’ve gotta’ be the center of attention. I want to be heard.  I want you to shut up and focus every ounce of energy on me me me!!!!! One day, he texted me during the weekday that he was going to shut up & let me talk next time. Yeah, it didn’t work out that well.  Last night I didn’t take his phone call (every day this week! really?).  We had a lunch date today. My Atlanta ETA is still not properly calibrated, so I was 1/2 hr early.  Fortunately it was in a strip mall, so I hit a few of the shops to kill time.  It was a good lunch restaurant.  Good selection of a variety of foods for almost any pallet.  He looks much better behind a computer screen.  Definitely not my cup of tea or shot of whiskey.  He talked just as much in person.  He did say he’d like to take me to dinner – what do I say? yes for free dinner? No because I know it’s not going anywhere? Ugh.

Now we come to Big David.  It still makes me giggle. After the precursory back and forth on the site, he asks if I would email him on his personal email.  Now, I will say, his grammar is not the greatest.  Some might think English wasn’t his first language.  I don’t know – maybe he’s a dyslexic genius. Who am I to judge.  Well, I sent him a little 3 line email:



Here is your email 🙂

So, being 5’8″ – why do you have the nickname “Big David”?

My schedule is quite flexible, so just let me know what’s the best time for coffee.



His reply:

Hello Mary!!!

I’m so glad to hear from you I chose to be called “Big David” because that’s a nice name giving to me by my grand mother.. How has your day been today? What are you plans for thanksgiving? I would appreciate you email me some pictures of you!! I really appreciate this consistent communication and I will say it is a sign of will, and I tell you where there is a will there is success ahead. I believe we both know that Love is not a destination but a journey and this is a journey that takes two to walk. I mean two souls who understand ahead that they aren’t in for a kid walk, and what they have ahead is the most important mission in life. A place meant for true people,. it is a place called joy and happiness.

My schedule are not flexible at the moment I will want us to meet for a coffee conversation by next week Friday I will be Busy because my Birthday will be on Saturday I will be celebrating it with my daughters and some few friends tho.. What do you think about the age of my daughters 8 & 11..My usual saying, and i am known for it, is that,. Life is simple, for those who take it simple,. I don’t like to complicate things.There is joy in every situation if you know the right angle to look it from.How are the kids ? Hope you’re hearing from those not home ? Would like to know more about them when next you email me okay?

I want to spend the rest of my life having fun. Would you stand by me to build a home? Would you smile at me when i look tense? i rather need a very good friend who knows when i am tensed just by looking into my eyes and a super woman.I take this selfie on my way to work this morning.. I hope to hear from you with some recent pictures



My reply email:

  • Thanks for the note David.

    It was really creepy.  I don’t think coffee is in our future.  Sorry.



    Here is the Facebook conversation of my friends:

    S:  yeah, kinda creepy. Also, judging from his sentence structure and grammar, either not a native English speaker, or else a really bad writer.
    S2:  From all the grammatical errors, I am surprised you acknowledged his message.
    Does he know where you live? If so, move back to Athens now.
    Me: No, he doesn’t S2. It’s MUCH too early to disclose such information.
    Me:   Also, having spent time with some geniuses (literally), I’m a bit more forgiving with grammar & writing errors (thank you Sherri & Ralph) now that I have seen into the world of the genius. So, that is not now the initial turn-off it once was. At least he used whole words and not “txt tlk” That turns me off immediately!
    S2:   Third line asking about your holiday plans for Thanksgiving! Yet, he has an inflexible schedule for coffee due to an upcoming birthday celebration.
    For someone who is known for saying “Life is simple for those who take it simple,” he can sure complicate an introductory email.
    Kid talk is just plain bizarre.
    Then, he can’t schedule himself to meet you for coffee but wants you to stand by him to build a home and look at him and smile when he looks tense. That is a pretty dense statement. There is plenty of tense moments when you build a house with someone you haven’t met yet.
    I take this selfie statement is priceless. Must reuse that one.
  • K: Google translate?
  • Me:  K, lmaoadmt!!!!! And who’s gonna’ give me a 3 hr back rub when I’m tense
    S2:  Mary, can we see Big Dave’s selfie? PLEASE!
    K: I like how enthusiastic he is about his signature. I should try doing that in work emails…


    LP:  Creeper….move on… next?
    K: Or just for every piece of written communication. Then people would understand that my identity is exciting.
    MN:  Okay I looked up David on FB and if it’s him he Graduated from Harvard. There are pics of him with his 8 yr ish old daughter.
  • Me: That’s not him MN
    S2: MN, watch this, I will graduate from Harvard on FB too!
    David is taking a dump in his profile pic…
    K: I wonder if he also emphatically signs his statements verbally. Can you imagine? “I like walks in the park and soy lattes. David!!!” Italicised, of course. Every word.
    Me:  Inserted his selfie – (but I don’t know how to edit/blur it appropriately, so I won’t display it on the www. It’s bad enough we’re making too much fun of him….. but, bless….)

    MN: He really needs to read over his letters, notes etcetera prier to sending Harvard grad or not it really makes him look ignorant and his thought process is really all over its very hard to read and comprehend.
    S2: This is fun! I am glad you are online dating again. It is always amusing.
    Me: Well, Jamar (31 y.o. chocolate milkshake in a fine container) didn’t like that I didn’t send him another pic via text. He said “Send me a pic and maybe my day will go better” I didn’t send one. So then that afternoon he said, “I guess asking for another face pic was too much” I replied, “I have several current face pics online” – I’ve not heard back from him. Which is kinda’ sad cuz he was really cute! But, I can see the implications, subtleties, and manipulation attempts in both of his texts. 
  • Speaking of – I have a lunch date at 12:30 w/ a guy that works at Emory. No, not a prof, he works maintenance (hmmm….so he can fix things! And he’s closer than Brunswick). He’s the one who’s called every. single. night. this week – so…. we’ll see..but hey, free lunch! I suppose I should at least shower before I go. Yes, this is the first “in person” meet. He only has an hour, so that’s good too. Def. beginning & end to this meet-n-greet
    MH: exciting…..let’s hear the results
    TWE:  I’d hate to see what he’s write once he met you…. That’s the selfie, that would have turned me off with just that, lol
    A:  Mary, I have never been so entertained in my entire life. Thank you!
  • Me:  I’m with you TWE– but, if you met my last husband, you know I’m not side-lined by funny looks. Wouldn’t you say so, my Alabama folks? LMAO S2
  •   While I’m at lunch w/ Tommy, here’s your homework: Do I reply to David? What do I say? Compose potential replies in the comments, vote on your favorites and we’ll see what happens. I totally was not expecting a reply to my note, so now I don’t know what to do.
  • K2: But I’m also thoroughly creeped out. I’m glad this is you doing this. I couldn’t.
    TWE:  He’s looking for 40-82, 82!!!!! Wow
    MN: Okay that picture of him he does look like a foreigner more like a cheesy Polish guy or a cheesy Jordanian or even better a cheesy car salesmen! Put a wig on him and he’d make a pretty drag. He looks creepy…

    S2: The other guy does look like he’s taking a crap.
    L: His age range for suitors is curious
    RB: Online dating didn’t work for me……hope you have better luck!
    K2:  What? Are you insane Mary? Why the hell would you reply to this freak. I am worried….Very worried about you.
    S3 (male perspective): reply “I want someone who is more stable than to hyper-idealize the potential of an initial interaction on a dating website and subsequently poor out his soul with life plans in our first email exchange.”
    S3: “I want to meet someone who doesn’t bring this song to mind when I think of him.

    Talking Heads – Psycho Killer
    From their 1977 debut album Talking Heads: 77. If you like this and other Talking Heads material please purchase their material!!! This video is for FAIR USE…
    K2: Yes that S3. Definitely that.
    DD (another male perspective) : Wow! unfocused and incredibly needy much? Yeah, Mary, you really want someone that absorbed in projection, right?
  • B:  no. Please be carefully mary. Lol
    Me:  S3 I just about wet my pants while trying not to wreck the car! I appreciate the fact that I’ve not seen you in 25+ years and you’re looking out for me.
  • MN:  I’ve finally sat down and read every post OMG I’m cracking up laughing!!! Currently at cross walk prosthetics and shared with C.

    I wouldn’t even respond to David Mcissues Macheesemo

  •  McIssues needs to use polident on his dentures.
    MW: I think this conversation thread is going to end up somewhere else online as an example for something…..what I don’t know, for sure really entertaining. Please don’t answer BigDavid!!!!! back!
  • Me:  Ya’ll are killing me! S3, is it OK if I change your “poor” to “pour”? I think your response is the best (& only) one.
     PS – I did have my lunch date. He looks much better behind a computer screen. I have Tangerine Dream on Pandora – working on that blog post.
    And here we are…. If you are with me, I only hope your cheeks and seat are wet from tears of laughter!

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