Today is a New Day

It has been 11 months since I’ve been divorced.  Hard to believe it has been that long, as the wounds run so deep.

I have good days and bad days.  Some days I jump out of bed ready to face the world. Other days I just pull the covers over my head and hope the world passes me by.  I try to go easy on myself.  I’ve been through a lot, emotionally, spiritually, physically.  If I feel bad, I allow myself to feel bad. I don’t wallow in it, I just don’t pretend I’m OK, either.  It passes.  It always does.

I’ve started therapy.  I strongly suggest this to anyone reading this blog. I don’t mean the folks who’ve “been through tough times” – I mean EVERYONE!!! We are taught only what the world teaches us.  Sometimes we seek more.  Sometimes we don’t. I know that as healthy as I thought I was, AA gave me some valuable tools for life.  Tools I did not have prior to walking into that program.  However, there are so many more tools for coping with life that I was unaware of.  I was also unaware of things I was taught that were unhealthy ideologies.  Things that I learned at a very young age & were reinforced throughout my life.  Such as: men suck, men will lie, men cheat, men cannot be trusted, cut off those who hurt you, judge others, maintain the facade, ad naseum! It is not that the world sat me down and said those things specifically, it is what I learned through others who taught me (whether they knew it or not), experiences I set up to be self-fulfilling prophesies, choices I made to hurt myself, that sort of stuff.

I was able to overcome some of those ingrained lessons.  I push the boundaries, bend the rules.  I do my best not to judge people (well, unless they’ve proven themselves assholes, then I judge them to be assholes and dismiss them. I have my own asshole and it works just fine, I don’t need any more in my life. I generate enough crap on my own.)  I have learned to honestly forgive. Oh, I don’t forget – I’m not foolish, people! But I am dumb sometimes and folks have taken advantage of me.  

My therapist asked me what I needed.  Not like normal every day need – but NEED in MY life. I couldn’t answer her. I was taught I don’t need anything. I am here to help, do, care, consider others – not myself.  After 13 years in a relationship with a true narcissist, I have lost myself. I don’t know what I need or want right now. I have to establish boundaries and speak up for myself. I do not know how to do that in a male/female relationship. I am very strong & defined with my girlfriends, they support, encourage and build me up. Right now, outside of them, I have no idea.  So, I get lots of homework – that I don’t always do.  Sigh. Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. I did update the blogs.  That’s something, right?


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