Moving Right Along

As some of you know, I have another blog about the farmhouse recovery/renovation.  That blog is the facts of the job,  this one is my emotional recovery blog,  They will bleed into each other. 

So, I have spent much of the week working on the house. I have had some help from some great friends.  I’m disappointed that I can’t just paint & move in – but the little ember of hope burns brighter every day.  I want it all ready NOW! And I want the money to do it all NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! Well, it seems maybe there is more than just Crazy Bitch that lives in side – LOL.

Some of my “NOW!”ness is because I am desperate for my own place.  I want my own space.  I know I’ve said this before.  I can also say I didn’t actively appreciate my space when I had it.  I liked it & loved it & enjoyed it – but I don’t think I appreciated it.  The day my husband dumped me was the day I became a stranger in my own house.  When my home became a house.  Good thing I like my skin these days.  My mom has been great to live with – it’s an adjustment for both of us.  Fortunately she doesn’t give me a hard time, as I usually disappear after dinner, up to the master bedroom.  There I relax, play on the computer, wind down, read, etc. 

Things I am eager for:

My own bed, my own coffee maker, my great big TV, my fish!, a water feature in my back yard, a back yard, watching the deer in the morning as I drink my fresh coffee from my own coffee maker (which shan’t be a Keurig!), listening to the birds chirp, the water gurgle, the squirrels play, my own washer/dryer set, patio parties, my cool decorations, lots of bon fires, strings of lights through the woods.

Some of these I have now.  As I type this, I’m sitting on the front porch of Raven Springs Trail, in my jammies & slippers, drinking coffee & listening to the sounds of the world on a quiet Sunday morning.  Once I get started, I’m going to shower (again), go to church, then go work on the farmhouse again.  I don’t know if I will have any help, but there is great satisfaction of the work.

My little doggie warms my heart when she comes running to me! (ohhh….rabbit trail!)

My Friday night date (which had originally been my Tuesday night date) cancelled again (twice so far) due to allergies.  I’m not too sure how I feel about that (feel free to comment about that).  There are drugs for allergies.  I take them by the handfuls! Maybe he wants to be sure to put his best foot forward – but there really is no point, as I don’t see us going anywhere.  So, should I not go out w/ him? Or should I accept a free dinner (or 18)?  Or is it wrong for me to write him off when we haven’t spent any significant time together? Or do I not need to consider the future because we only have today? These are some of my conflicts.

Yesterday, Saturday, I met another guy I’ve chatted with online.  He had a bike race down here in Stone Mountain & gave me a bike rack.  Very nice guy, quite comfortable with him.  But, again, I don’t see a future there, as I’m not attracted to him.

Wednesday, I’m supposed to have a date w/ a guy from Marietta.  Again, I’m not physically attracted to him.  He does have an amazing voice (as deep and suave as James Earl Jones’).  Fortunately, he lives in Marietta, so I do have an excuse not to date him – distance.  Do I need an excuse not to date certain guys? I suppose not. I’ve just got to build up the confidence to say “no, thank you”.  It’s easy when they’re assholes and I can tell them to go f* themselves.

Oh, I do see some sort of pattern tho’, when I spend time w/ guys who I like personally, but am not necessarily attracted to them, I get to know them & care about them until I see beyond the physical.  I think I do that because of my physical self-esteem (or lack thereof).  OK, so I’ll have to remember that – you can help me.  Is that a good thing? (“Hey, I’m not superficial!”) or a bad thing? (“I have some fat so I can’t do any better with getting a better looking guy”)  Personally, I think it is some of both.  My insides are so amazingly fabulous that I should be able to have Liam Neeson or Daniel Craig physical types – and I know this.  But my insides also have my “front butt” and “thunder thighs” to consider.  I’m working on remember that my body does not define me as a person – it is the carrying case for all this awesome!  Sometimes, too, I doubt the good looking man. I figure if they are hot, they are conceited.  I should know better because I am hot & not conceited.

Alright, I’m talking in circles & rambling – that is my cue to wrap it up & get off of here.


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