Anger Danger


I am furious right now!  There is nothing I can do about it.  Sigh. I am out of control, can’t do anything to fix things, and at the mercy of the universe.  Yeah, yeah, I know – welcome to life.  I guess it’s better than the alternative, but sometimes my skill set (or lack thereof) infuriates me.

Mom & I went to the oncologist.   Her monthly check up. (They’ll do a Ct scan next month).  Once again, she has complained about the same things, once again the doctor has advised the same stuff, and once again, I know she won’t do anything to help herself.

My attitude is: get busy living or get busy dying – but this walking the line of bullshit is tearing me apart.  Of course I know these feelings and emotions are totally selfish.  I know this isn’t about me.  But, I’m going to be the one left with all these emotions and her stuff and … and … and… Yes, totally selfish.

These emotions make me angry.  Angry I can’t fix it.  Angry I can’t help.  Angry she won’t help herself.  Angry I’m not a better daughter.  Angry I feel so selfish.  Angry she won’t listen.  Angry I don’t know what to do. Angry she won’t…. Angry I ….

It doesn’t matter the feeling, it warps itself into anger.  Yesterday at the farmhouse didn’t help either.  I was angry that bitch left my mother with that mess, those germs, the ruination of various things in the house.  Angry that I had to clean up that crap – literally, rat crap all over.  Angry I couldn’t punch her in the nose.  Today I’m angry I can’t punch mom in the nose. Angry I want to. 

So, what did I do? I came home & ate.  Yeah, like that’s a good alternative.

Sigh.

This too shall pass.  Then she’ll be dead and I won’t have her.  And I’ll be angry again.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. linda
    Apr 03, 2014 @ 19:09:38

    whoa! This is a serious meltdown. I agree it does no good to go to the Dr. and not follow his advice. I understand though as this is a disease that there is no way out of. I think if you go to the farmhouse and start to do what you want to do, things will look up for you. Think positive and concentrate on how you want the place to look and I think that will help. I agree back to your mother that she needs to find a way to keep going or say enough is enough. Keep the faith MJ I know you can do it

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