It’s a Strange New World

This past week I have discovered and named a personal issue.  I know enough about myself to appreciate the difficulty I have with dating.  I didn’t understand it, but I knew there was a problem.  While my thoughts after such a great weekend were a tornado in my brain, my ever loving personal confidant (with appropriate medical training) looked at me last week and said, “You, m’dear, are a Serial Monogamist.”

“Um, what?”  So, off to google I ran.  (Really, what did we ever do before Google and WebMD?) Serial Monogamist.  There are a few varieties – but what it boils down to is a very fast, very furious, immediate, “all-in” relationship.  After I started dating & before I got married, I did go from relationship to relationship.  I thought, “Hey, I’m only seeing one guy, so that’s ok.” (There is so much more to this, but that’s the quick n’ nasty version.)

After my first divorce, I didn’t date.  I had a year of separation (“Marital Separation: when you are STILL married, but separated.”) I did not “date” during either of my separations – I was still married. (I don’t have too many morals, but that is one of them.)(Adultery is in the Top Ten List of “Thou Shall Nots”.)  So, I had a year to myself which was good for me. I needed to find “me” again. I was a single parent, found a great career path, we stayed busy between my daughter’s activities, my work (I had two jobs), and friends.  So, for almost 3 years I did not date.  Not that I didn’t want to, it just didn’t come up.  Then I met my 2nd husband.  We were friends first. We talked ALL the time.  It was long distance and our friendship grew before it went further.  Even though distance forced communication, my head wasn’t on straight and I didn’t make the wisest of choices; I overlooked a lot of red-flags. (Being a fairly, reasonably non-judgemental sort, we all have “red-flags” of imperfection in our lives.  I love my friends, with all their flags.)(But, there are time when we should not make excuses or over-look certain red-flags, even of our friends.)(Like, you know and love your alcoholic friend, but you wouldn’t trust them to guard the bar.)

2nd divorce, 2 year separation, 5 months after the final decree, and at the urging of friends to “get back out there”, I put up some online dating profiles.  It worried me, a bit, but I wanted to try it.

Even though I say “I don’t give a shit” (see previous posts), that is my 43 year old reasonably mature (ok, mom, quit laughing) brain, logical self saying that.  Last week I learned that there is a little girl inside me.  I call her “Crazy Bitch”.  She has been locked up for the past 14 years because I was “in a relationship”.  Well, since I’ve been going out with this guy a few times, because there is a physical attraction, she has found the key to her cage, running in circles and is screaming bloody murder.  My thoughts run crazy, I can’t concentrate, I’m anxious, moody and need a xanax.  I can’t shut her up! It’s hard to explain, but this little girl has even more “mommy issues” than “daddy” ones.  She seeks the attention of the ones who will fail her (men), while she despises them at the same time.

Like usual, I was able to round her up, duct tape her mouth & lock her away again.  It just takes some time. But, that doesn’t mean she goes away.  Now that she has a name, and I know where she lives, I am going to do a lot of research on my own until I can find a counselor to help me with her.  I need to examine her, dissect her and come to understand her.  Then, I will either grow her ass up, or I will kill her a violent death. But either way, she has got to go because she is one crazy bitch!


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