Bah Humbug!

Oh, my – what a grouch I am today!  One thing that definitely separates me from Daddy Booboo on this Christmas Holiday – besides 300 blessed miles, is that I don’t blame my circumstances for my emotions.  I know my emotions are chemically balanced, and the measuring cup in my brain is whacked.

I’ve already gone back to bed once today and it wasn’t even 10:00 a.m.  I’ve been a new-sort of depressed lately.  I struggled with depression when I was married to him, and that was a big part of his rejection.  I couldn’t feed his narcissism any more.  That’s fine – whatever.  I don’t want to cry.  I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else – I just want to go to bed and sleep.  Forever and a day.  Physically I am exhausted.  All. The. Time.  Well, except when I’m not – but those days are few and far between.

I don’t know if it was the holidays looming.  Mom being sick.  My BFF’s mom dying last week.  Atlanta.  Germs.  Some days I feel reasonable.  Most days I don’t.  I know, too, that this will pass.  But I miss my zest and love of life.  I want it, but I don’t know how to get it.  Some times I have it back.  Some days I feel great.  It’s not like a roller coaster, it’s more like swells and hills.  Not super high, not super low – but not an even keel, either.

Today is Christmas.  I am at my mom’s.  We have no decorations, no tree, no spirit in the house.  I bought her a few things & gave them to her before Christmas – a cordless phone system and a VHS/DVD player (yes, she still has tons of VHS tapes!).  So, she only had one bag present to open this morning.  I had none.  Not that presents matter – I’m just trying to explain the atmosphere here.  We are having a very small prime rib & green beans for dinner.  Yes, that’s all.  Beef & Beans.  It’ll be excellent, I’m sure.  We are supposed to go to a friend’s house after dinner where there will be tons of people, laughter and babies.  But I don’t want to go.  I may make myself go because I know I will laugh.  Everyone should laugh on Christmas.

I know it’s inside my body.  I can be happy in sad times and sad in happy times.  It doesn’t matter what is going on around me, it’s what’s inside me that is out of kilter. I feel like I need some speed.  More caffeine. That doesn’t help either.  I suppose I just have to weather the low lying clouds until the sun comes out again inside.

I hope your Christmas is joyful and fun and bright and everything it should be.  Probably good I quit drinking, artificially induced happiness isn’t really happy.  I do wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas, even if I don’t smile while I do it.

PS- I did get a new dog.  She needs a name.



3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mirannanda
    Dec 30, 2013 @ 18:03:14

    Awww. Happy late Christmas MoJo, I tried to respond to your comment on my blog, it said, “No shit” (hahaha) and some other stuff, but apparently I’m not bright enough to comment and make it stick?
    Every day is a gift right?

    • mojo911
      Dec 31, 2013 @ 10:40:45

      Thanks Mirannanda! Note to self: do not blog when depressed! LOL

      • mirannanda
        Dec 31, 2013 @ 14:14:32

        Hahaha, I don’t like Xmas myself. It seems like a lot of effort to inevitably fall short in meeting everyone’s expectations. I have not yet found a way to effectively avoid it unfortunately. (Pretending that the holiday is not coming until the 23rd never works, btw)

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