The Year in Review

Well, I posted this on FB & thought “hmmmm”

2011: The Year of The Email

2012: The Year of Devastation

2013: The Year of The Divorce

2014: The Year of Healing

Wow, when I put it like that – things have sucked lately.  They started sucking back in ’04, ’05? Whenever my step-daughter got so sick.  She was on death’s doorstep for 3 years.  She’s made it, but one thing led to another…. I always thought I did fine under pressure, but I’ve discovered that I don’t.  Oh, on the surface, I usually have it all together, especially in the midst of a crisis.  But internally I’m pulverized like a blender.  Too much of that and my top explodes and guts go everywhere – like a blender.

Sick, job change, shitty work environment, graveyard shift just about killed me, depression, physical pain, my daughter, issues w/ Daddy Booboo, surgeries, his job changed….. I mean, it was one thing after another for several years.

Maybe I can look at it like this:

2011:  The Year of The End

2012: The Year of The Bottom

2013: The Year of The Move

2013: The Year of Mojo

I usually look at the New Year with Trepidation: Who will die this year? Who will break my heart? What trials will I face?  I am amazingly blessed to have my mom at the end of this year.  That was a HUGE question last NYE.  However, it only transfers to tonight – will she make it another year?  With that in mind, I do make an effort to treasure even the trying times with her now.  Her brain MRI came back clear yesterday.  Next week we’ll find out what her cancer is doing.  I’m not sure what I’ll do without my mom.  She’s been here my whole life.  I know it’s the natural cycle of life.  I know it’s a given once we’re born.  I know it’s better that I bury her than she bury me.  I know lots of folks who have already lost their mom.  My dad’s still around, too.  But I told him he better behave because I can only deal with one parent at a time.  I know all this in my brain, it’s my heart that’ll hurt in the end.

This year, 2013, has been a big one for me.  I quit my job. I moved far far away.  I’ve been celibate.   I’ve been broke.  I’ve been not-quite-so broke.  I started graduate school.  I got a new dog. I’ve been depressed.  I’ve been not-quite-so depressed.  I paid off my car.  I’ve started painting with watercolor. I paid off my daughter’s student loan.  I’ve been chaste.  I’ve walked several miles on the beach.  I’ve been gainfully unemployed for the longest time since I started working. I’ve not gotten laid.  I’ve reconnected with high school mates.  I’ve made little plant magnets.  I’ve collected drift wood.  I have painted funny little signs.

What does 2014 have in store for me?  Who knows…. I just hope it is a lot of laughter.

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Bah Humbug!

Oh, my – what a grouch I am today!  One thing that definitely separates me from Daddy Booboo on this Christmas Holiday – besides 300 blessed miles, is that I don’t blame my circumstances for my emotions.  I know my emotions are chemically balanced, and the measuring cup in my brain is whacked.

I’ve already gone back to bed once today and it wasn’t even 10:00 a.m.  I’ve been a new-sort of depressed lately.  I struggled with depression when I was married to him, and that was a big part of his rejection.  I couldn’t feed his narcissism any more.  That’s fine – whatever.  I don’t want to cry.  I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else – I just want to go to bed and sleep.  Forever and a day.  Physically I am exhausted.  All. The. Time.  Well, except when I’m not – but those days are few and far between.

I don’t know if it was the holidays looming.  Mom being sick.  My BFF’s mom dying last week.  Atlanta.  Germs.  Some days I feel reasonable.  Most days I don’t.  I know, too, that this will pass.  But I miss my zest and love of life.  I want it, but I don’t know how to get it.  Some times I have it back.  Some days I feel great.  It’s not like a roller coaster, it’s more like swells and hills.  Not super high, not super low – but not an even keel, either.

Today is Christmas.  I am at my mom’s.  We have no decorations, no tree, no spirit in the house.  I bought her a few things & gave them to her before Christmas – a cordless phone system and a VHS/DVD player (yes, she still has tons of VHS tapes!).  So, she only had one bag present to open this morning.  I had none.  Not that presents matter – I’m just trying to explain the atmosphere here.  We are having a very small prime rib & green beans for dinner.  Yes, that’s all.  Beef & Beans.  It’ll be excellent, I’m sure.  We are supposed to go to a friend’s house after dinner where there will be tons of people, laughter and babies.  But I don’t want to go.  I may make myself go because I know I will laugh.  Everyone should laugh on Christmas.

I know it’s inside my body.  I can be happy in sad times and sad in happy times.  It doesn’t matter what is going on around me, it’s what’s inside me that is out of kilter. I feel like I need some speed.  More caffeine. That doesn’t help either.  I suppose I just have to weather the low lying clouds until the sun comes out again inside.

I hope your Christmas is joyful and fun and bright and everything it should be.  Probably good I quit drinking, artificially induced happiness isn’t really happy.  I do wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas, even if I don’t smile while I do it.

PS- I did get a new dog.  She needs a name.

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