Who Am I?

Image“Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, should care to know my name?” ~ Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

No, this isn’t a God blog – although I do love Him and I could NOT have done this mess without Him and His protection.  This is a little more about me as a person (as opposed to a crawfish or something.)

I wear my personality on my sleeve.  I don’t do the emotions to be a victim.  I do it because I cannot afford to live a life of lies.  I am an addict.  You may not know that about me.  My choice of drug is alcohol, but another good downer won’t go to waste.  I have been sober for 21 years.

Being transparent is not always easy, but for me, it is always best.  See, we are only as sick as our secrets.  If I keep secrets and lie, I get all kinds of messed up.  I like to think I’m about as real as it gets.  However – work can be a whole other story!  Obviously, I have to mind my manners at work; even with people I like less than I like liver or eating dirt.  So, this is just me.

After my first divorce, I was very guarded.  I was living a relatively worldly life (do not read that as “slut” because I went WAYYYYY too long without it for that to be a term used in my description.)  I didn’t live as fully as I could have.

I don’t even know why I put that paragraph in there.  Anywhoos – I am a very passionate person.  I love passionately; I hate passionately; I laugh passionately; I eat passionately; i cuss passionately.  You get the idea.  When I laugh, you know I thought it was funny.  When I look at you and tilt my head and say, “huh?” you know I didn’t get the joke.  If you ask me my opinion, you better be ready for it.  If you don’t ask me my opinion, you better be ready for it.  Actually, unless I care about you, I don’t give you my opinion because I don’t care.

I am bold, brash, and beautiful.  I am funny, fearless, and fabulous.  I love alliterations, illusions, and insults.  I am self deprecating and forward.  I make every conversation sexual because it’s taboo (and funny).  I have learned to ask because you might be surprised at the answer.  I share to get the emotions out and my blood pressure down.  The best times I have are spending time with those I love – which includes me & God.

I do love me.  I think it’s important that we all do.  Oh, sure there are things about me I don’t necessarily like.  Sometimes it is how passionate I am.  It would be easier if I didn’t do life so intensely.  This divorce was very very very very very very very hard on me – because I did love him so much and so hard and so thoroughly.  Yet, even in the beginning I knew I would get through it & be OK. Because that’s how life is & that is how I wanted it to be.

As my last post tried to express – when I lost myself over to my pain of his intentionally inflicted injury on my heart, it was a passionate explosion.  Looking back I’m like “wow! I don’t think I’ve ever been like that before.  Not sure I want to go there again, either” – I want to hurt him. I want him to feel my pain.  I want him to know.  But, alas, I want in vain.  He is a sociopath.  He cares not for me, my emotions, or my life.  However, I have hurt him in the only way possible.  Every month, for 36 months, he will hurt as he signs that check.  Every month, when I cash that check, I will know God smites those who persecute His beloved.

God loves me.  God protects me.  I do my best to live for my God.  The next best part to all that? God loves you, too.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mirannanda
    Aug 23, 2013 @ 16:44:51

    Why isn’t there a “Love This” button?

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